so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
