Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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