I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
