and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
