Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
