I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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