The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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