Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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