Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
