Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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