i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
