I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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