i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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