I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
