i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Can you bring me the toilet please
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
