i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
