the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Randomize
