you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize