I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
