I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
