At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
