I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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