So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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