wakey wakey hands off snakey
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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