You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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