i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
