Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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