RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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