If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
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