You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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