you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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