I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
