I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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