i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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