That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize
