Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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