my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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