i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he thought i was a dude.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
