You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
