i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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