i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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