Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
