What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize