i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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