I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Randomize
