So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Randomize
