cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
