I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
