i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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