wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
