this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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