it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
