Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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