I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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