I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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