Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
