saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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