I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
