I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
