He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize