u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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