btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
