either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
