You're completely useless in the revolution.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
